oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
