38 yer olds are good kisserssss
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
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woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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