did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
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So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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