just come out here and I will go home with you...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
