I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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