he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
