My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
