whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dignity is for republicans.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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