Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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