my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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