apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
