Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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