It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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