I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
