It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
