I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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