i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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