Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
