somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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