In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
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WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
