We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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