I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
