The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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