Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
