sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
