from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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