If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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