bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
