Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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