His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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