I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
