Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
