I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
