Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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