We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
