My liver just broke up with me...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
