He uses pillows to masturbate.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
