ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
