Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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