do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
