it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
