Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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