he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
