Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
