Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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