The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and she was petting her beer can
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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