I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
