yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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