when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
