I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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