I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
