i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
