If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
