at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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