Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
