first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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