Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
